Struggling...

I'm sad...
My dad died 17 years ago this July when I was 17. I realized just recently that after this July 17th, he will have been gone from my life longer than he was in it. That makes my heart break. I miss my dad. I miss the man that he was. I miss the fact that I didn't get to know him as an adult. I don't get his advice, his hugs, or to just sit and talk. There have been so many situations in the past few years, that I would love to know his opinion, or to have his guidance. I wish he could have met his grandchildren. I think he would have LOVED being a grandfather. I feel sad for my kids because they don't get to know him.

I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord & Savior. I know that God is there, I know God is real, I know that He lives. He comforts me, He convicts me, He challenges me. I also have the blessing of knowing without a shadow of a doubt that my earthly father is with my Heavenly Father. That is an incredible comfort to me. I know all of these things, in my head and in my heart....but still I wish...

I know why I'm missing my dad (more so now than at other times)...because his best friend is dying. A wonderful, generous 67 year old man is dying and my heart is breaking. I remember when I was 5 or 6 or 7 when 67 seemed so old! But now at 34, 67 isn't old at all. It's young and I want him to have so many years left. Years with his wife and kids and grandkids. He's been a blessing to me for a long time. I sat down this weekend to write him a note, which turned into a letter to try and say thank you, to try and let him know how much I have appreciated him and never said it. As I was thinking back, I realized that this man and his family are in my earliest memories because they were there from the beginning. He and my dad were best friends from Junior High. They were in each other's weddings, settled in the same city, saw each other frequently as they grew older and brought their families up as friends. His children were slightly older than my sister & me so they were our babysitters. Their house was the coolest house I'd ever seen (it still is!) and they were always just there...anniversary celebrations, birthday cards, graduations...they were there.

I have been blessed to know these two men, blessed to have them in my life and blessed to know that soon they will be together again, as my mom said, probably dressing alike & playing practical jokes on each other. I know I have been blessed. And I have hope...I continue to grieve my dad with hope. But still, I'm sad....