No Words

How do I even begin to describe this past week and a half? I want to write it all down so I don't forget the details. The moments of peace and grace in the midst of horrifiying sadness and grief. My uncle and cousins decided to have the visitation and funeral in Des Moines, where my grandparents, mom and aunt (as well as my sister and I) grew up. On Thursday evening my two cousins, my sister and I were SO privileged to spend sacred time with my aunt. We were able to hold her hands, pray and cry with her and begin to say goodbye. We spent hours looking through photographs in an attempt to capture who she was. If you knew my aunt you'd know that any piece of paper or photo doesn't do her justice. But we did our best. We had 4 photo boards showing the areas of her life that she loved so very much. Friday night was very possibly the most emotional night of my life. Our entire family (Grandmommy, Granddaddy, Mom, my Uncle John, Kelsey, Shannon, Laura, and myself as well as Shannon & Kelsey's kids) gathered to see my aunt for one last time before closing the casket for the visitation. We sang our Traveling song for a safe journey. My mom covered her dear sister with a blanket to keep her warm. Her mother gave her a kiss. I truly can't describe the feeling in that room. As the top of the casket was lowered my granddaddy whispered "Goodbye sweet lady". The tears flowed freely and didn't stop. We just kind of clung to each other. And then we had friends and family to gather around us. We were so blessed by so many people who came to the visitation. The two hours flew by. Saturday was a celebration of her life. We gathered in the church I grew up in, the one she & John were married in, the one we celebrated my dad's life in. We listened to her dear friend Pam and her son-in-law David remember her life and legacy. We read scriptures and we sang. It was a wonderful service. In all these rememberances though, the thing that is sticking with me is that she's still gone. I'm so touched by all the people who love my family, who loved my aunt. But in spite of all of those things, we still lost someone so precious to us that it's hard to bear. I know God is here. I know that God is working in the midst of this incredible tragedy but it's not easy right now. My cousins had to go home. My uncle had to go home. I had to go home. My grandparents are heading back to their home sometime this week. We drew so much strength from being together as a family and we're feeling awfully far flung at the moment. It's going to be a long road. My oldest cousin Shannon said it best yesterday: "It's so strange; as good as all the kindness and generousity and hugs coming my way are, the only person I really want to hold me and talk to me isn't here." Please pray for us as we begin to see what the future looks like without Auntie Les.