No Words

How do I even begin to describe this past week and a half? I want to write it all down so I don't forget the details. The moments of peace and grace in the midst of horrifiying sadness and grief. My uncle and cousins decided to have the visitation and funeral in Des Moines, where my grandparents, mom and aunt (as well as my sister and I) grew up. On Thursday evening my two cousins, my sister and I were SO privileged to spend sacred time with my aunt. We were able to hold her hands, pray and cry with her and begin to say goodbye. We spent hours looking through photographs in an attempt to capture who she was. If you knew my aunt you'd know that any piece of paper or photo doesn't do her justice. But we did our best. We had 4 photo boards showing the areas of her life that she loved so very much. Friday night was very possibly the most emotional night of my life. Our entire family (Grandmommy, Granddaddy, Mom, my Uncle John, Kelsey, Shannon, Laura, and myself as well as Shannon & Kelsey's kids) gathered to see my aunt for one last time before closing the casket for the visitation. We sang our Traveling song for a safe journey. My mom covered her dear sister with a blanket to keep her warm. Her mother gave her a kiss. I truly can't describe the feeling in that room. As the top of the casket was lowered my granddaddy whispered "Goodbye sweet lady". The tears flowed freely and didn't stop. We just kind of clung to each other. And then we had friends and family to gather around us. We were so blessed by so many people who came to the visitation. The two hours flew by. Saturday was a celebration of her life. We gathered in the church I grew up in, the one she & John were married in, the one we celebrated my dad's life in. We listened to her dear friend Pam and her son-in-law David remember her life and legacy. We read scriptures and we sang. It was a wonderful service. In all these rememberances though, the thing that is sticking with me is that she's still gone. I'm so touched by all the people who love my family, who loved my aunt. But in spite of all of those things, we still lost someone so precious to us that it's hard to bear. I know God is here. I know that God is working in the midst of this incredible tragedy but it's not easy right now. My cousins had to go home. My uncle had to go home. I had to go home. My grandparents are heading back to their home sometime this week. We drew so much strength from being together as a family and we're feeling awfully far flung at the moment. It's going to be a long road. My oldest cousin Shannon said it best yesterday: "It's so strange; as good as all the kindness and generousity and hugs coming my way are, the only person I really want to hold me and talk to me isn't here." Please pray for us as we begin to see what the future looks like without Auntie Les.

Loved

One of my favorite songs contains these lyrics: When it's all said and done, no one remembers how far we have run. The only thing that matters is how we have loved. She loved well. We all knew how much she loved us. What a gift.

Tough

It's been a tough day. I've spent much of the day looking through old photos, smiling and remembering the good times. I got to talk to my cousin and share her grief. I talked to my mom and realized we're all really just going through the motions right now. How long will the motions last? I don't know. Numb is the word that best fits. Our family is making plans to gather. To celebrate her wonderful, crazy, delightful life. To celebrate who she was to each of us. The thing I can't get my mind around is that she won't walk in the door. Right now, I can't bear that thought.

Treasured

In the Blink of an Eye

Yesterday, I got a text message from my sister: "Call me." I called. I don't remember much after that. Eric filled in the bits and pieces. I was apparently yelling at my sister on the phone. "No, this isn't happening, no this can't be real, this isn't true." It was true. My Auntie Les was killed in a car accident Thursday morning. A routine trip to the airport to pick up my Uncle John changed everything. My heart is broken. Broken for my cousins, my uncle, my grandparents, my mom, my sister, myself. For anyone who knew her. She was funny and smart, strong and tenderhearted. She was a blessing. She IS a blessing. I'm stunned. I can't process. I can't grasp the hole that her death leaves in our family. I don't want to see what our family looks like without her here. Friends are praying. Friends are loving, sending texts, calling, hugging, bringing Pepsi and ice cream. Friends are doing what they do best and loving me. I am so incredibly grateful and blessed to have these people in my life.

It's March!

I've been horrible about taking pictures lately! Maybe because I don't want to take pictures of coughing, feverish kiddos, and snotty noses? :) Morgan had strep throat and is on the mend. We've all fought something in the last few weeks. I can't wait to be able to open windows and and have fresh air! We've had some stressful days and nights lately, with a few minor (right honey?) hiccups in the sale of our house. Long story short, closing is now March 25 instead of March 18. A week in the grand scheme of things isn't much...we're just going to be glad to be done! We're narrowing down our options on our next house - and we're planning to build. The process is a little daunting but exciting as well. Look for progress pictures once we sign a contract and start the process! It's funny how many people I have talked to that had the February blahs. For a short month, it sure causes all of us lots of UGHs! I'm glad that we're moving towards spring...sunshine, riding bikes in the evenings, grilling, fresh air. Love it!